BreakingMySilence, A Story of Hope and Healing

    Everyone that has suffered from trauma in their lives have different ways of coping. I know that I always thought that I was abnormal because of the way I would react to different things.  I hated being scared or startled and I still do, I would constantly look over my shoulder thinking that danger lurked in every corner ready to attack me. I didn't like being around a huge crowd of people because I am so short that people could loose me easily and I was afraid of what could happen if I was left by myself. There was always those "what ifs" that taunted my mind everywhere I went. I was constantly searching for "safe" places and people to surround myself with.  The truth is I never really felt safe. I was raped by people I knew and guys that I dated so it made me skeptical of everyone especially men.  I went through several different phases of coping with being raped.  I was in shock at first and kind of numb, I didn't really think that what happened was

Isaiah 43:18-19, “Forget what happened long ago! Don’t think about the past. I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it? I have put roads in deserts, in thirsty lands.” I was reading some devotions today and I kept hearing Faith and Forgiveness and what that looks like for me in my life.    I think of my past and being raped at the time I didn’t have faith and forgiveness wasn’t something in my heart for anyone including myself.    The enemy clouded my mind with hatred, anger, thoughts of revenge, but most of all hatred and a fear of those men who had raped me.    These thoughts festered and grew so big in my mind that it changed me.    I became angry at the world and I was going to make every man pay for what those guys did to me.    I became a miserable person deep down, then those thoughts turned inward at me. I began to hate myself and believed I was unworthy of anything good in my life. I became determined to ruin any good friendship that came into my life bec