Hitting Bottom

     It seems that our human nature is to let ourselves hit bottom before we long for something better.  Something clicks in our minds that flips a switch and we decide that a change is necessary.  We all of a sudden become determined to make our bad situation better.  I know for me that I have done this through out my life.  In unhealthy relationships I would have to hit an emotional bottom and then I would end it.  Every unhealthy relationship would bring me to my bottom in different lengths of time; some took as little as a few weeks, and some took years.  My bottom would start with me finally looking at myself in the hypothetical mirror, and that would in turn cause me to channel in my feelings.    I would look at the way I was living my life, they way I saw myself and I would turn away from that mirror hating myself and my life.  Here I was bathing in self loathing and hating everything about myself so I would try to make myself feel better. I would pick one positive thing in my life and I would put 150% effort in to that "positive" thing in my life.  It would be one of three things; my job, my health; or my friends.  In my attempt to stop hating myself I would end up turning these positive things into negatives with my unhealthy behaviors.  If my focus was on my job; I would work 12 hour days.  My long days at the office allowed me to forget about my crappy life and I would be so exhausted when I got home from work that I would just go straight to bed.  This crazy unhealthy schedule would help me forget about the things I hated about either myself, relationships, or just life in general.  I would continue on this path until I hit bottom; I would be too tired to keep my schedule.  If my new focus was on my health I would go on a diet and exercise everyday.  I would be on the strictest diet I could find and workout as often as possible so I could lose a lot of weight. My problem was that I would lose too much weight and get unhealthily skinny.  I wouldn't stop until the people closest to me would have a mini intervention and tell me that I was too skinny... almost anorexic skinny.  Lastly, if my new found determination was aimed toward my friendships I would go out almost every night of the week. Partying is what I knew how to do with friends; I partied so I didn't have to feel. Surface conversations and drunken pity parties was my specialty. I would continue down this path until I got physically sick and couldn't go out anymore or my friends would slowly stop going out with me.  I would either take a break too but drink at home or other people's houses or I would find new friends to party with.  I kept going and going until I hit another bottom and I had to take a break.  After my much needed break I would start the cycle all over again in my unhealthy pattern of behaviors.  It was almost like hitting a bottom was another addiction in itself, I needed to hit bottom so I could flip that switch in my brain and feel that zeal and determination to live again.       I have given up some of those unhealthy behaviors but I still hit bottoms.  My bottoms are are a little different now since I have rekindled my relationship with God.  He reminds me that He is with me, holding my hand and leading me on the right path.  Some times my human nature kicks in and the bad behaviors creep in slowly and I get side tracked and lead myself on another path.  I picture it like this;  You remember when we were really young we would walk down the street holding our parent's hand.  They lead us on a street that is safe to protect us from hurting ourselves.  Here we are walking down the street, following our lead and then we get to a fork in the road.  Once side of this pathway is paved and smooth, our parent's instinctually lead us down this path.  All of a sudden we stubbornly dig our heels in  the ground and we are not moving because we want to walk on the other side of the pathway.  This path is full of rock terrain and deep gaping holes that we could fall into.  This path obviously leads us to getting hurt or falling into a deep hole so deep that we would need help getting out of.  So, what do we do?  We have already made up our minds, so we let go of our parent's hand and run full speed down the rocky and dangerous path.  As we run down this path we hit the rocks and fall and scrap our knees.  We keep running until we fall into one of those deep gaping holes and then we cry out for help when we realize we are stuck there because we can't get out of it alone.  I know for me that wrong path of self-will is going to lead me to hitting bottom every time.  It's because I let go of my heavenly Father's hand and I try to do life on my own terms.  God has taught me recently to keep a hold of his hand everyday in everything that I do.  He promised that His way will be smooth if I just follow His lead.  When I wake up in the morning all I need to do is ask for His help to the things I can't do for myself.  I ask for guidance and focus in my job, I ask him to help me eat better today and drink more water.  I ask Him to give me the zeal, motivation, and strength to go for a walk after work.  I ask him to help me do all of things I know are good for me and will bring joy into my day no matter how big or how small.  At the end of the day I thank Him for guiding me and blessing me "today"!  Tomorrow when i wake up I will grab His hand and do it all over again.  I will stop worrying about tomorrow because God is present and I want to be where He is.  Being present with God is the key for me not to hit a bottom whether it be physical, emotional, or spiritual.  I want to encourage everyone who reads this to be present with our Heavenly Father and let Him lead you on His smooth, safe path in life.  You will immediately feel a little better each day, and God will help you reach your daily goals.  You will begin to notice your days will be filled with more joy, and you will begin to love yourself a little more each day! 

"Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow.  Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me.  All day long I put my hope in you." Psalm 25:4-5