Triggers, When Fear Shows it's Ugly Face!!

"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 (NLT)


    I have been on my path of true healing for the past 3 years but nothing prepared me for the surprise of a trigger that I pushed to the back of my mind.  When I was raped the first time when I was 16 yrs old the next day I was in extreme pain physically. I crawled out of my bunk bed and crawled on the floor down the hallway to the living room. I told my Mom that I couldn't go to school that day because I was in so much pain. She kept asking me what kind of doctor I needed to go to as I cradled the right side just below my stomach and tears streaming down my face. I was shaking all over because my body was overwhelmed with pain and my emotional state was at an all time low. I lied to my Mom and told her that I had sex willingly with the guy who raped me, so we went to the gynecologist. I remember laying on that table shaking with fear as to what could be wrong with me. After much poking and prodding  they decided to do an internal ultra sound. They discovered a cyst on my right ovary that size of a plum, I remember the lady that did the internal ultra sound mention something about some tearing but I was paralyzed by fear and pain. I didn't say a word in regards to the tearing, they sent me home with pain pills and a prescription for bed rest for two weeks.  After about a month my cyst shrank so I didn't have to get surgery and after my next period the cyst was gone. 
    Over the years I have tried my hardest to avoid the gynecologist but I went as often as I could bring myself to go. I have yet to find one that I feel comfortable with. My husband and I have been talking about wanting children and we feel that it's time we start trying. My husband made an appointment for me to get a pap smear done and blood work to make sure I am healthy enough to carry a child.  As soon as the day came all of this fear and emotional stress overwhelmed me. Going to the gynecologist is a trigger for me and  it brought me back to the way I felt that day when I was just 16 yrs old laying on that table shaking and trembling in fear.  I attempted to pray through it but the fear and stress just kept coming on thicker and thicker.  My husband held my hand as we had a consultation with this Nurse Practioner and he encouraged me to tell the doctor why I was so nervous. I could barely speak and the fear had it's ugly hand around my mouth as if it didn't want me to speak.My wonderful protective husband spoke for me as the fear wanted to control me again as I had let it for so many years. I finally  spoke with the doctor, answered her questions about my abuse.  She told me I was ok and she understood why I was so fearful, as she had done exams for many abuse victims over the years. After talking it out and ripping fear's hand from my mouth I felt like I could breathe again.  During the exam she explained what she was doing at all times and she finished it in about 5 minutes. She told me to stay strong and don't let those fears overcome me there are great doctors out there who care.  She said it is going to be a part of your life for the rest of your life. I realize that there are always going to be triggers, I just can't let those triggers and the fear that they cause overcome me and swallow me whole.  I never thought to talk to the doctors that I am going to see to tell them about my abuse. Fear tells me to be silent but in order to overcome and conquer fear I must not be quiet any longer.  I will not let fear hold my tongue and prevent me from getting the care and support I need.  I will keep searching for a gynecologist that I can talk to and makes me feel like I am safe in their care. I refuse to put off having children because fear is keeping me paralyzed by my trigger. I will conquer this trigger with God holding me, comforting me and He will keep me strong. God also gave me a wonderful supportive husband that will hold my hand through this. 
     I must keep reminding myself of that verse at the beginning of this post, that no matter what I go through I shouldn't be afraid because God is with me where ever I go He will make me strong, He will make me courageous, He will fight for me!! 


   Survivors I am going to leave you with a link that I found that lists all kinds of movies and books that are "Triggering Media". Save this page to your favorites and protect yourselves. I love all of you survivors and want to help us all not have to be triggered by the media and entertainment. Just click on link below...


http://escapinghades.pandys.org/triggeringmedia.html

Comments

  1. Just wanted to add a movie to the Triggering Media and that is a movie called Straw Dogs. It shows a rape of a girl by two guys. If anyone would like to add any movies or books I will start working on a list as well. So anything you might want to add please email me at 4hopeandhealing@gmail.com and we can work together to add to this list! God Bless

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  2. The world is a better place with you in it. Not only because you a beautiful sweet loving woman but because God is in and through you. Thank you for sharing your healing heart and making a difference. You bring light with you into the darkest places Lisa. God bless you.

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  3. That is exciting news that you and your husband are thinking about kids. That is so great that you were able to conquer for fear at the OBGYN with the help of your husband. I have been putting off making an appointment myself, but perhaps I will soon. Thank for sharing your experience.

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  4. Thank you for your comment and support. I feel like this fear of going to the OBGYN is only going to get better with time. You should definitely go and make yourself an appointment. Put your health first over your fear. xo

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