It Still Hurts to Talk About....


      In my recent healing and spiritual  journey over the past couple of years to better myself and learn how to love myself again I have learned so much.   In seeking God he has shown me my new identity but He has put a new challenge in my life. There is a group at my church that I signed up for called the "Genesis Process", it's a group of 5 women and we go through our lives from the beginning. We are going to learn how the experiences in our lives have changed us and taught our brain how to react to life. We are going to see how our fear and pain has taught us bad habits and show us why we may react in negative and unhealthy ways in our relationships especially when we get triggered by something painful in our past. I am excited but nervous especially after our first meeting. We all met and introduced ourselves and shared our stories and just talked to each other about what we hoped to get out of this process and healing journey.  After sharing my story with these beautiful women I looked up and there was no judgement, no negativity but empathy and love staring back at me. This is comforting but scary for me. I can sit here and write out my thoughts and feelings all day long but actually voicing it, saying it out loud. It's extremely difficult for me, I feel naked and vulnerable then my heart starts racing and fear tries to overcome me and tell me to hide. That is what I do when I feel emotion I get fearful and I shut down and go back to that place when I felt numb. Feeling numb is my "normal" and any emotion scares me to the core.  I so want to overcome this so my husband and I can have those deep conversations that we used to when we started dating. I want to overcome this so my relationships with my family and new friends gets better and I can vent and tell others what I am feeling instead of just saying "I don't know". I say "I don't know" all of the time, and when asked "How are you feeling?" by someone who actually wants to know I feel an emotion and then my mind goes blank. I respond "I don't know" and change the subject off of  me to them or I just get quiet. It's not because I don't have a desire to share it's because feeling emotion scares me. My past is full of emotion and pain and hurt and I numbed that all out and stuffed it down. I can't describe my feelings and emotions because I ignored them for so long. I drank more alcohol when someone asked me how I was doing and I drank so I could come up with a word to explain a feeling.  I don't do that anymore so this is going to be a HUGE challenge for me to overcome.  I can tell you this, as much as I have healed over these past couple of years it still hurts to say out loud "I was raped, then I was raped again." It hurts to say it I can type it out and write it on a piece of paper all day long, but to look out and tell others what happened to me.....It still hurts! 
     I had an emotional week but God uses people to speak to us in our lives and this last week He used my husband to encourage me. It was some of the most beautiful verses that couldn't of come at a better time. I am going to share these with you and I hope that they encourage you as they have me. 

Matthew 5:3-12
“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,[a]
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
God blesses those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.
God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,[b]
for they will be satisfied.
God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.
God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.
10 God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
11 “God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you[c] and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. 12 Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way.

Here is a beautiful song that I want to leave you all with! God Bless you! 


                   

Comments

  1. Lisa dear, thank you for being so brave. Your voice will come back with even a great shout! My Own Two Hands is lovely. Safe hugs to you dear one.

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  2. I'm so excited to watch your progress as you go through Genesis!

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  3. Your so amazing and full of strength. You give me hope

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