I Found Love in a Hopeless Place
"I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul." Psalm 31:7
After the first time I was raped at 16 yrs old I thought that my future of ever being happy with a man was doomed. My heart was wounded and my soul was broken, I had very little hope. I tried desperately not to judge all men for one's evil act. Then shortly after when I raped again, this time by not one but two men my heart's wound seemed to double in size. I felt stupid and naïve for letting my guard down and giving someone a chance. I had this healthy, wonderful example of a loving relationship at home from my parents. I would always wonder why I was so blind when it came to relationships with the opposite sex. In my early twenties my judgment was clouded by my alcohol haze, and my ability to make good decisions was impaired. I just wanted to feel and know what it was like to love but more than anything I wanted to be loved in return. I had this huge void in my heart and soul, all my partying was doing was leading me down paths of more bad relationship choices. All of those bad choices and terrible relationships left me feeling more empty inside.
After my I was raped again in my mid-twenties I had made up my mind that giving up on love was the answer to my problems. I shut the book on love and I ignored that tiny glimpse of hope that I still held onto deep down. I condemned myself to a life of being my own person! Let me tell you, I was NOT the greatest companion for myself. I went to the bars more and I would even go by myself if there was no one to go out with. I wasn't looking out for myself at all, I put myself in very unsafe situations, I had no regard for my well being and to be quite honest I didn't even really like myself very much.
In my late twenties, God stepped in and his timing couldn't have been more perfect! He didn't want me to go through my life with a hardened, wounded heart, and an empty soul. One night in my drunken stupor he sent me an angel of a man! I had decided to stumble home by myself from a bar and he chased me down the street just to walk me home. He put this man in my life that night to bring love into my hopeless place of brokenness. I fell in love with Steve after our first kiss and I wanted that to be the last first kiss for the rest of my life! Some people might of thought I was crazy but my heart began to soften and my glimpse of hope for a happily ever after became a lingering glimmer. Love, for the first time in my life wasn't just a dream but a reality and it was looking back at me with beautiful green eyes!
Having a love like that in my life was a beautiful gift but it was also a confusing and scary time in my life. I was constantly afraid that the love that I had been longing for wouldn't last.. I was afraid that I would wake up one day and I would lose him, that this was all just a dream. I was confused because I had this great love in my life but we would fight a lot and I didn't know why. Looking back now I can tell you why. We were two lost and broken souls that didn't know how to love each other with healthy hearts. All we knew was that our love for each other was something worth fight for.
When Steve and I made the decision to put God into our relationship we started down a healing journey I will never forget. First we starting going to church together, and Steve would pray for us out loud and I would pray in my head. We got engaged within 6 months of dating, moved in together and attempted premarital classes. Our love for each other grew but my unhealthiness did too. I feel like God gave me this wonderful gift of a future filled with love and also with that was a huge billboard flashing above my head that said "CLUELESS"! All of my past was flooding my mind. My emotions that I had suppressed with alcohol for all of those years came flooding to the surface. I had no clue what to do with all of those emotions and absolutely no idea who to communicate and talk about them. I had this wonderful man who loved me and I had no clue how to talk to him. Despite my brokenness and my lack of communication Steve still married me. A day I thought would never happen in a million years and that is a day I will never forget. God's blessing was shining through our ceremony and I felt not only the love of my husband but I felt God's love on that special day.
Steve and I have been married a little over two years now and I have only just begun to communicate with him. We have a happy and healthy marriage because we put God in it, and we constantly are trying to better ourselves as individuals. We do this so that our marriage is rock solid, but most importantly we fight for our marriage and each other! My husband always says what an impatient person he is, but he went through a good two years of one sided conversations with me. He has never left my side, he has loved me with his whole heart and soul, he even trusts me with his heart in my hands. We have been through emotional rollercoasters together, we have been through hour long arguments and we have had life throw bombs at us! We are still standing strong together hand in hand with an even deeper love and respect for each other.
We have this because of God, He knew the desires of our hearts and He brought us together. God gave me the love of my life when I was in a hopeless place. After I accepted God's love for me was when my heart and soul were restored. He restored my heart and soul so that I could love him better and in turn I can love Steve better! I am sharing this story with all of you so you don't ever lose hope that love is out there for each and everyone of you. God will restore your hearts and souls and will you give you the gift of a "happily ever after". When you feel yourself slipping into that hopeless place look to God and accept His love for you. Take His hand and let him lead you out of the darkness and hopelessness let Him walk you into the light. God did it for me through my amazing husband Steve, He will do it for you too!
" And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:5
This song reminds me of Steve and I and how we felt when we first met. It's an awesome cover of Rihanna's "We Found Love". To my dear husband, I am so thankful for you and the love you have for me makes me a better woman. Thank you for always standing by my side, always encouraging me to keep on healing, and most of all for loving me through the hard times. You mean the world to me and I am so happy that you are my last first kiss! I will love you forever Steve, you are my best friend and you make my life better!
Love You Always and Forever, Your wife, Lisa xo