Finally Free to Be Me

I haven't posted in a long time but I have a guest writer for you today. She wrote her story "There's Always Hope" please go back in my posts and reread it. My sister Laura has been soul searching recently and God has put it on her heart to find her voice again. A voice that was stolen by someone 13 years ago. Well now here is her letter to this someone and now he holds no more power over her and she is finally.... free to be herself again. Keep healing Laura! We hope that this inspires you to find your voice!  If you read this and would like to contact her privately then please feel free to email her at theresalwayshope11@gmail.com.

A letter to the one who tries to destroy me,

     It’s 4 am and I pick up my phone to check the time. I see an odd notification from Facebook Messenger. I decide to check it out and there it is a message from you. I hadn’t heard from you in about 4 or 5 years. I thought I was finally free from you. All you had to say was “Hey. What’s up?” Those three seemingly harmless words sent me in to the usual state of panic I fall in to after hearing from you. I instantly feel like someone had punched a hole in my chest; you know the feeling you get that feels like your heart has been ripped out of your body. It’s almost actually physically painful. I almost couldn’t make it to work that day. I sat in the parking lot crying for a while, I still felt like I couldn’t breathe and I was trying to figure out how I was going to pull myself together to make it through the rest of my day. For the record I found my strength again and was able to make it. It’s been a rough week. For many years after hearing from you my response has been the same. I block you, and increase my security settings on Facebook. This time I changed my name too. I am hoping that keeps you from finding me again. I never respond to you which is actually unfair to me. I never get any closure from you. I have decided to write this letter to you for my own sake. I know this letter will never find you and I am ok with that. I don’t feel like you have the capacity to understand all that I am about to tell you. I still believe that you have no idea you did anything wrong to me.  Maybe I am naïve to believe that but I will never know for sure. I am ok with not knowing that as well.

      So you want to know “what’s up” with me. I am actually doing quite well. I am convinced you have a sixth sense for knowing when I am happy. I also believe that you would like to steal my happiness once again. I have no idea why you are still trying to contact me. All that happened with us ended 13 years ago. It’s time to move on. I have but I have not forgotten what it was like to be with you. You did serious damage in my life. I remember everything because I am still affect by a lot of what you forced in to my life. You were always quite forceful. I remember you always thought I was too fat. That makes me laugh now. I was a size “0” there is only one size smaller than that. What did you want me to look like? I also remember being too afraid to eat in front of you, that was unacceptable to you because you would try to force feed me in public. That’s humiliating by the way. I still have trouble eating around other people sometimes. I remember how angry you would get with me over little things like forgetting how to use the coffee maker. I was seventeen and not a coffee drinker that’s hardly a reason to scream at me in front of our friends, or at all. You were big on yelling at me but that was still not as bad as the times you were so mad at me you couldn’t speak and would shake. That was always scary as you were unpredictable in that state. Luckily, that only escalated to you hitting me once.  I know it was only once but I can never forget it. I still have trouble when people are angry with me, my mind goes blank and I emotionally shut down. I still flinch when people make sudden movements and I can see it only out of the corner of my eye. That’s always difficult to explain especially when I am dating someone. It also makes me wonder if there aren’t things about our time together that I have forgotten. I also recall you constantly telling me no one else could ever love me. I wasn’t allowed to have friends except for one because you liked her. I know there were other girls you were hooking up with when we were together. I didn’t care at the time because I was dead on the inside. Still, the worst thing you did to me was making sex non-optional. The first time you took what you wanted from me was when I died on the inside instantly all of my emotions turned off.  You didn’t care when or where if you wanted it that was it.  Did you think any of these things are present in a good relationship? Do you contact me because you miss me? What’s to miss? I was solely a shell of a person during that time. Do you think you love me still? Truth is you never did. None of these things express love. Here is what love is because I know that you don’t know: 1 Cor 4-8;  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. I can assure you I did not love you. I was unable to have feelings because you had killed them. If you notice despite everything I mentioned in this paragraph, it started out with a positive statement because despite all this I am doing quite well.

     I have grown so much since I left you. It was a struggle for many years. I was constantly fighting to regain what you had taken from me. I was filled with hate, anger, un-forgiveness all towards you and myself, and fear of you and men in general. I had no self-esteem left. I was always in a relationship for a long time because it created the illusion of safety.  I never felt safe because you were always looking for me and showing up at my job.  I still struggle to feel safe especially around new people. After you I built up so many walls because I thought they would keep me safe. I still have several of those walls up but I am finally learning how to let new people in. I have also been able to regain my self-esteem. I banished anger, hate and un-forgiveness from my life. If I had held on to them they would have destroyed me.

      I am so grateful for my strong Christian up bringing without turning to God I wouldn’t be here now. I know that because after you filled me with such evil I couldn’t see a way out and I thought a lot about just quitting life. I am so glad now that I hadn’t. I love my life. There was one day I was praying and I said to God “I can’t live my self-destructive life anymore. I am stronger than this and you and I are going to work through this”. Slowly but surely my life did a complete 180. It was amazing to see Him work in my life. I had been letting you define who I was for years but I have since learned that you cannot. Only God can define me and he has. He showed me that he loves me unconditionally and that I in turn have the capacity to love. Psalm 136:26 Give thanks to the God of heaven, for his steadfast love endures forever. Up until recently I had associated positive things such as love with the negative things you had showed me. God also offers hope, even for me. He offers hope for a future. I thought I could never have a happy future. I know differently now. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Through Him I have also learned to trust. I put my faith in God which allows me to trust Him and others.  I have also learned that to Him I am extremely valuable and that’s enough for me. 1 Corinthians 7:23 You have been bought and paid for by Christ, so you belong to him—be free now from all these earthly prides and fears.  I have come so far from where I was when I was with you because all the harmful things you filled me with were replaced with amazing things. Love, hope, faith, and joy.  It is amazing to me to feel joy again.

     I will always hope to never hear from you again but even if I do you will not send me back to that dark place where you kept me for so long. This last week has been difficult simply because of those three words you sent me but I can promise that this is the last thing you will ever take from me. You are no longer allowed to steal anything from me. That hole in my chest I mentioned in the first paragraph is no longer there, it’s just a scar that caused pain when you interrupted my life.  I fought too hard to get to where I am not to let you take another second of my life. I love my life. I have wonderfully supportive friends and family. I will keep fighting against the damage you have done but I know that I will win as there is victory in Christ. Deuteronomy 20:4  For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” Hebrews 13:6 So that, taking courage, we may say, The Lord [is] my helper, and I will not be afraid: what will man do unto me?

For the very last time,

Laura